Beautiful Words

Hafez was a poet and mystic during the 1300's.

Poetry Project

I'm doing a project in one of my classes (The Preacher and the Poet, how wonderful of a class it is indeed) on love poetry. I picked love poetry because all the other topics were depressing (especially the topic of depression) and I had to believe that some poetry comes from a place within us that is experiencing some kind of joy. Even if it is a deep longing for someone we can't have, love is some form of good thing. I haven't quite figured out what good comes of it but when I do I'll let you know. I picked 10 poems, all of them wonderful and all of them I could gush about for days and then I have to come up with a theory of preaching from them.

Here is what I've found: all the love poems in some way compare love to or relate love to nature. I have had this theory for a while that love is instinctive, its something within us that we cannot control, it just happens to us. It is buried deep within our being which makes it a natural occurrence. I think preaching is similar. It's natural. It's instinctive. It's in your gut. One of my favorite characters on my favorite show (that will remain unnamed because those of you who know me best know what it is and the rest of the world can just remain in the dark) said "Love isn't brains it's blood." We can think about it, we can't rationalize it, it just moves within us.

During class we have to share one of the poems from our collection (only one I know it tortures me). I chose this excerpt from a poem by Anne Sexton:

Watch out for love
(unless it is true,
and every part of you says yes including the toes),
it will wrap you up like a mummy,
and your scream won't be heard
and none of your running will end.

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.
It must be a wave you want to glide in on,
give your body to it, give your laugh to it,
give, when the gravelly sand takes you,
your tears to the land. To love another is something
like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall
into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.

I wish I could express to you how much this poem stirs me. Anne, in all her depression, at the end of her life, expresses to someone (the poem is titled "Admonitions to a Special Person) how love compares to nature and finally religion. These are two themes I found over and over again in my research. There is something about faith that compares to love. There is something about being blind to what we believe that compares to being blind to how loves works within us. But there is also something about a choice that we make to accept love into our lives that makes it different from anything else. It must be a wave you want to glide in on.

I can't even begin to express the difference this project has made in my life. There is something about spending your entire Saturday, from the second you wake up to the second you go to bed, sitting on your couch reading poetry that changes your life. Now that will preach.

If thou must love me

If thou must love me, let it be for nought  
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,  
"I love her for her smile—her look—her way  
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought  
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"—  
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may  
Be changed, or change for thee—and love, so wrought,  
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for  
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry:
A creature might forget to weep, who bore  
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!  
But love me for love's sake, that evermore  
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

--Elizabeth Barrett Browning

A Feminist.

I am supposed to be your feminist
I am supposed to walk your blazed trail
I am supposed to make you proud of me
I am supposed to but I fail

I am supposed to be your lawyer
I am supposed to fight for rights
I am supposed feel your anger too
I am supposed to carry the light

I am me in all my glory
I am me who loves not hates
I am me who sees the good in bad
I am me who sits and waits

Give Yourself Away

As some of you may have experienced facebook rules the world. It's sad but true. I keep up with friends all over the world simply by being 'friends' with them on facebook. So when I actually learn something from facebook I'm pleasantly surprised!

This morning I was posting back and forth with my sister when I noticed she was friends with a guy we went to High School with. I clicked on his name and it showed his entire profile (which doesn't always happen because you can set your profile to private and no one can view it if you're not friends). What surprised me the most was under Religious Views he put: "Give yourself away."

Give yourself away. How philosophical! Now I'm sure there might be some drunken silly meaning to this and it's possible it means nothing but not to someone like me in the world of ministry.

Give yourself away. How simple! How much of ourselves do we waste on ourselves? How much of our energy do we spend doing nothing but the next thing we're supposed to do? Is it really as simple as saying that your view on religion is to just give yourself away? I think so. I think it's absolutely possible that our faith, our spirituality, and our devotion to a higher power can so simply be summed up by saying "give yourself away." I love it!

In the quiet

So I've discovered that not having class on Fridays might not be as great as I thought. I'm not sure what I'm going to do on Fridays and it's going to be tempting to do nothing. I'm also going to be royally lazy this senior year. I don't have class until 11 at the earliest on any given day which means sleeping in at it's finest. This also tempts me to skip chapel. Now I'm not usually one to attend every single chapel service but it's senior year and my peers will be leading. So I would really like to attend more often.

I am excited that it's senior year even though I've only gone to one class. I still think it's going to be a good year. I was just talking to a good friend and I said "Middler Year was the year of rejection, Senior Year is pretty good so far." Knock on wood.

I do miss home and my amazing boyfriend in Jacksonville. It's very hard to be away from him and the rest of my family but hopefully I'll get to see him about once a month and we talk everyday so that gives me lots of hope. I'm also looking forward to a possible residency at a hospital after graduation, which could put me in my own backyard.

Among the Roses

I went to Fernbank Museum today and took pictures in their rose garden. Just beautiful.

Order My Steps

What a perfect way to start off my final school year in seminary:

I want to walk worthy,
my calling to fulfill.
Please order my steps Lord,
and I'll do Your blessed will.
The world is ever changing,
but You are still the same;
if You order my steps, I'll praise Your name.

It's already my thrid year....

My third year of seminary begins this week and I must admit I'm pretty excited. I can't believe I've been doing this for over two years now and I'm moving into my third. Many things are going to change and many new adventures are coming my way.

Over the summer I barely had time to breath much less write a blog, plus I'm terrible at writing blogs. I've always been bad about keeping journals and things like that but I love to write. Every time I sit down to write something I say to myself, "Self, you love to write so write it out." But nothing comes into my mind and I always end up skipping it for the day which turns into a week. I used to write short stories but the truth is I feel like I had inspiration back then. Now I feel like I have so much going on around me all I want to do is live it, not write it. I have this ridiculous fantasy somewhere in my head about being a writer I guess.

Upon returning to Atlanta I immediately established a large gaping hole in my chest. This is for several reasons. 1. All of my closest seminary friends have moved on with their lives and graduated. Some are going to really far off places and some aren't too far away but they are all still gone. 2. I actually physically left my heart in Jacksonville where I did my internship. Pieces were scattered along the halls of the hospital with the patients that I grew to love. There were also pieces left in my chair at the dinner table. Spending that much time with my family made me realize how much I truly love them and reminded me how hard it is to be so far away from them. Finally, a large chunk is in the hands of my wonderful boyfriend, Chris. I go to bed every night wondering how I got this lucky to have found such an amazing person to be my partner through this journey of mine. I've never had someone care about me so much and I have thanked God ever single second for his presence in my life. He's amazing and words can't describe what a great relationship we're building with each other.

I'm starting to meet new students and I'm loving being back on campus.

More later....blessings....

Chaplain Life

Week 4 of Internship Begins
Week 7 of Being Home Begins

I've found that living at home benefits my CPE experience greatly. I ride to and from work with my sister everyday and come home to my family. My parents ask about my day and listen to me if I need someone to listen. It's really healthy.

My CPE group is also amazing. Everyone gets along and we're having a great experience. It's not at all what I thought it would be. So far I'm having an ok time. I should also mention here that Paul is my favorite co-worker and also very awesome!

The hardest part is how much it drains you. There's this strange feeling that you get when you walk into the hospital. Once you cross through those doors you can almost start to feel yourself wearing out. I can only go into a few rooms and talk to people before I'm feeling exhausted! Sometimes I find myself almost wandering around the hospital thinking about what to do next. It often feels like you go into a room, talk with someone and then you leave and then what? Nothing. I get this kind of "so what" feeling after I leave some rooms. But every room is different. Some rooms I leave smiling, knowing that even if it was for just one second I distracted someone from what they were going through. Other times I leave shrugging my shoulders not knowing if it even mattered.

As for learning things about my ministry I'll have to fill you in on that later. I still haven't decided exactly what I'm learning. I'm not saying that I'm not learning anything I'm simply saying I haven't put the pieces together just yet. More on that topic later.

Think happy thoughts for me!

And the summer begins.....

Day 1 of Living at Home:

My summer plans include working at Baptist Hospital in Downtown Jacksonville as a Chaplain Intern in their Clinical Pastoral Education program. I won't be giving out any names or information about my internship and if I do talk about it will be very vague. The purpose of this summer's blog to is share my experiences of living at home and maybe a little about my hospital work.

So here we go.....

I have moved home to live with my parents for the summer. My sister is also living here. I have been downgraded to the guest room which isn't too shabby. With a big TV and cable and a cozy pull out bed plus wireless internet I'm not too broken up about it. My dad is retired so he works around the house all day on various projects and apparently makes my sister coffee and lunch every day. I can't say I'm not looking forward to that.

Dad found out today that I have 3 weeks until my internship starts and I now have a list of things that I could possibly do in that time. Apply for a new credit card, deposit my income tax check, get coffee ground at Starbucks and visit grandma are just a few options. So far I have: drank a Diet Coke, taken a shower and unpacked my clothes. I'm not promising miracles here.

Here is the thing about living at home: my parents are pretty awesome. They're laid back and they do their own thing and are happy as clams. They don't really care what I do or how I spend my time and they require very little of me. Plus, I love being at home. My sister is awesome and we have a lot in common, my cats are here and my parents have a pretty sweet set up. Home is not a bad place to be.

More later when I'm actually doing something with my time.

J

Trust in Resurrection

As it is Easter and I am thinking about something big I thought I'd pick back up with the blogging...

Trust. How many times can you trust the same person who keeps breaking that trust. I always hear people saying things like "Oh you have to earn someone's trust." I have no idea how that works or if that's true but I do know that I give people my trust because I have no reason not to. And trust is something that I think I should be a little more careful with.

I really don't want to sound like one of those middle schoolers blogging here but the truth is, I need a better understanding of trust because I think I haven't come to the truth about how trust should work.

So as it is Easter, as it is the time of new life and resurrection I am starting over when it comes to trust. I have decided to re-do how I understand and use and give trust.

All should know, spread the word.