Tripping through the Tulips

These beautiful tulips were a Valentine's Day surprise from the wonderful guy in my life. I truly believe that the best things in life will always come back around if they are meant to be.

Positive Energy

It seems that negative energy is all around me lately. People are stressed about class and finding jobs. No one can escape the heavy weight of the world situation, the economy, the war and the many shifts in politics. No one seems to be happy. It seems like every topic is a touchy subject for someone.

To add to all this I recently started talking to a guy I used to date in college. At the time we were very serious and even talked about getting married but he left college to join the Army and went on to West Point. He's a wonderful person, by far the most wonderful person I've ever dated. We were madly in love and probably still are. But alas he has given his life and soul over to the United States Military. This is the reason we broke up. I wanted to go to seminary and he wanted to be in the military and we knew those things couldn't go together at the time. It was very sad, both our hearts were broken. These days it seems like things might be different. He said it himself, we are older, wiser and more willing to compromise. But things for me haven't changed that much.

I love what I do. I absolutely love the church and can't wait to be a part of it. I can't see myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. I know this is where I belong. I also can't stand the military lifestyle. I have never wanted to be a military wife. It feels like my heart is breaking all over again sometimes when I think about having to make the choice between the church and the person I love. All this negative energy is very overwhelming and it really isn't what I need right now. I'm working my butt off to finish school and find a good job.

All this frustration was going through my head when I went into Starbucks today, my other true love. (I don't say that as a coffee addict like some, I say that as a former employee who passionately loved working for the company). The girl behind the counter asked me how my day was going and what I did. I told her. She asked if I had a church to work at, I told her it didn't really work that way and I was looking but it was a long process. She said, "Good for you girl! You can do it, don't let that negative energy in. Think positive." I think I starred at her for a solid minute. I didn't know what to say. I nodded and thanked her.

I know it seems like placating the problem and pushing the noise out of my head. I know it seems like a band-aide over a bullet hole right now but the truth is my new friend at Sbux (that's what we called it) seems to have discovered a gold mine of information. I immediately put my hands up in front of me like I was blocking off an attack of negativity. I remember my dear friends, who were in this place just one year ago. The stress was overwhelming and they thought nothing was going to work out for them. But things did work out. It took time and patience and a lot of waiting around but things just fell into place. This is exactly what my best friend told me. She said when its right it just falls into place. I hate waiting. I hate being patient. I hate not knowing whats going to happen next. But I hate being unhappy more. I hate the idea of me not working in the church more.

Nothing has changed. I'm still me. I'm still a great student who knows where God is leading me. And I'm still going to work my butt off and find the perfect job. I know the perfect man will find me. If he happens to be this guy that I've loved for so long then he is going to have to come to me as much as I'm willing to come to him. It has to be a lot of compromise but I'm on a journey. This is the choice I've made and the place I know I'm supposed to be. I

More Insights from People's 25 Things....

4. If you haven't broken it then you don't know enough about it.

My friend AJ wrote this one in his 25 Random Things blog. I used to babysit AJ when he was a little kid. Now he's 23 and a very talented musician. He's also really funny, a middle child, and apparently brilliant.

I have no idea what he's talking about when he makes this statement. Possibly a relationship, a mechanical device, a vase....who knows. But for me, when I read this I laughed and then thought "so very true." The world is not perfect. Our lives are not perfect. Nothing around us will ever be perfect. The likelihood that I will break something, anything, is great. And the idea that this will only help me learn more about it is wonderful. For me this is comforting. Because I will break something or someone sometime and skewing this idea of "breaking" to make it have a positive outcome is how I prefer to see life. I do prefer to see the glass as half full. I do prefer to look forward to the good coming from the bad. I also look forward to learning. And learning from a broken (bad) situation excites me.

This is also very important for our growth as people in community. If we don't learn something from our mistakes, if we don't learn how to adapt or change from our short-comings then we are not opening ourselves up to the transforming power of God in our lives. If you don't want to think about it in terms of God think about it in terms of fate. What part do we play in our own fate if we don't learn from our own brokenness?

What If....

There are lots of days when I feel really lonely. I wish I was married, I wish I had a child, I wish I had stuck it out in some of the relationships I was in, I wish a lot of things were different in my life. I look at people I knew from Junior High and High School who are now engaged or married or even raising a family and I can't help but be really jealous.
Until....
Today I was reading the "25 Things" of an old friend of mine. This friend was pretty, popular and athletic but most of all she was kind. We were never super close but we were never enemies. Her life now is exactly the things I wish mine were sometimes. She's married to a really good looking guy and has a beautiful child. But her 25 Things shocked me. As I read between the lines I saw so many "what ifs" in her life. The thing is, I've always known I have to make myself happy. I've always known to follow my heart and do what fulfills me. I've always known to follow my true calling in life.
I never realized I was doing something other people didn't do, couldn't do, or wouldn't do. I never realized there were people out there who seemed so happy but who really had other plans they chose not to follow.
I can't believe I'm living my dream because I chose to follow what is best for me. What I truly love to do and what will fulfill me for the rest of my life. If nothing else I can always look back and know that I did what makes me happy. I have committed myself to...ME! Its true what they say that life isn't worth having unless you share it but that doesn't mean you absolutely must be in love and married and it certainly doesn't mean that I have to give up what I love the most for someone else.
I'm so happy with the decisions I've made. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I had put my heart into something other then what truly makes me happy.